There are creams and serums to delay and minimise the appearance of wrinkles. There are aesthetic procedures to rejuvenate the face and body. There are exercises to keep muscles fit and flexible. There are diets and supplements to help stay healthier a little longer. Promising. Because it means we have access should we wish, want or need to use these products and services. 

What about when our vital organs begin to weaken, slow down and eventually shut down? Well… with advancing age, there really isn’t very much that we can do. And, that’s exactly where my mum’s at. She’s ageing. What’s worse for her are her comorbidities – COPD and heart failure. These two diseases, which are part of the respiratory and circulatory system have chronically impaired her kidney. Slowly but surely, her other organs will go the same way. That is, as her heart and lungs fail even further. There are already symptoms. Her skin is perpetually itchy and dry. There’s loss of appetite. She finds it difficult to chew and swallow. Food is less tasty. On top of that her joints hurt because she has osteoarthritis. Standing up to walk, assisted of course, is a job and a half. Having a shower, eating, talking, sleeping – everything is an effort.

When my mum innocently asks if she will get better, I try to explain using the analogy of an old car. The older a car gets, the harder it is for it to run like it used to. Some parts can be repaired, others not. She asks what can be done about her parts.  I explain we need to provide the best care for the various parts of the car, just like her parts, so that it will run as best as it can for as long as it can.  She’s happy with the explanation, until she asks me again if she will improve. Hmm…

My mum is my first up-close experience of the ageing process. I knew and know old people. I remember my grandparents but only as old, frail and kind people, who were my parent’s parents. I know mums and dads of friends and extended family members. I’ve heard of their ailments and the struggles associated with being and growing older. Not to dissimilar to my mum. But, none of them I knew or know, intimately.

Naturally, it’s not easy for my mum, who is now encumbered with ailments, and needs 24×7 support. But really… there were enough signs. I saw them and didn’t. I blame delusion on my part. The old girl has been gradually growing older in the last 4-5 years. For instance, she used to enjoy price monitoring of grocery items but could not be enticed to visit supermarkets. She stopped wanting to leave the safety and comfort of her home. Instead, we walked to the shops near where we live. And, only on Sunday when it was quietest. Our Friday vegetarian lunches involved so many pit-stops from the car park to Kechara Restaurant at Viva Mall. She was constantly breathless. We stopped eating out when the pandemic hit and haven’t since.  Fear of the Covid-19 virus also put paid to her scheduled visits to her cardiologist and respiratory doctor for over two years. Pre-pandemic in 2019, her Ejection Fraction (EF) was a normal 54%. It went down to 35% in June, 2021 and 28% in August 2021. EF is the percentage of blood the heart pumps with each heartbeat.

She also stopped cooking. No more preparing dhal or ‘upma’ for herself. I took over the cooking. She slept after she showered.  Slept while she prayed. Slept again after lunch until late evening. I used to make fun of her and take photos as evidence as she used to deny or be surprised that she slept so much. She was losing weight. There are many family photos that show how tiny my mum had become. I think the changes or deterioration did not register fully because she was still living independently, and was responsible for her personal care/hygiene.  Until 10 months ago.

Since then, reality has finally sunk in. Anxious. Stressed. Happy. Sad. Upset. Alone. But, the one overwhelming recurring emotion and feeling is gratefulness. Grateful that she remembers her children although she forgets most everything else. That she remains in pretty good spirits, despite the limitations. That she enjoys her Tamil serials, and discussing and getting upset with some of the characters. That she smiles and laughs easily particularly when I do her ‘booby’ dance. That she sometimes does the chorus with me. That she cares and worries about my health and well-being. That she wants to get better so she can help me care for her. That she is my mum, and she is with me/us.