I didn’t realise how much I needed a holiday until I was in the middle of one. Being away from the scene, and almost absconding from my daily responsibilities made me feel free. The distance, which was many thousands of miles away, gave me a sense of freedom. It wasn’t that I felt trapped or encumbered. In the midst of caring, I just didn’t think. I just did what was required for the day, always worrying and wondering if I was doing things right, correctly and properly.

I have heard this said many times. ‘Carers must take care of themselves if they are to be any good to their family or people that they have been entrusted with.’

How true.

I am the designated carer for my mum. And, I relish the assignment. I love my mum dearly and I feel privileged to be able to be there for her and help with whatever is needed.

My mum is a feisty old girl, who pretty much wants to do things her way. She exercises, cooks a little and takes care of herself most of the time. Lately, over several weeks at a time, bouts of cold, bordering on pneumonia and a weak heart have taken a toll on her. While she is alright, she needs help with her medications and food. She now also needs some looking after.

It was on the second day of my holiday that I thought about not being home, and not checking on my mum first thing in the morning. You see I go to my mum’s condo, which is a few floors below mine, to make sure she is up and about, and to thank god for just that. It’s my routine. Not being at home made me feel liberated because the responsibility was no longer mine but my brother who was doing the first shift over my five-day holiday. My mum was very much on my mind but I felt light. I was not responsible nor accountable, and that was what I so needed but did not recognize.

I was obviously stressed. I wasn’t sleeping well and just being in a constant state of worry didn’t help to the point that I woke up one morning literally saying out loud my mum’s respiratory physician’s name.  I had to laugh because had my husband not known this physician’s name he might have thought I was dreaming about an old or a new boyfriend.

The holiday was a revelation to me. I  learnt that being a carer does not mean I have to bear sole responsibility and feel like I need to do everything and be everywhere because I don’t and shouldn’t. The job description doesn’t call for a martyr. It requires me to care sensibly without killing myself in the process. Being stressed or ill is not going to help my mum much and certainly not me. I needed the distance to think and evaluate the situation.

My mantra now is to take a break, when possible. I ask for help and I share and show my siblings and family what they need to do to help out, how and when.  We must be aware of what our mum needs, and be ready and willing to help when possible.

Just sharing the load has made all the difference.