It was on 7 November, 2021 that I started emailing nursing and care homes. I remember the date. My husband and I were in Zenith Putrajaya for a 2-day holiday. Sister number 3 was home for Deepavali from England. She was caring for my mum.

Fast forward to now. Or should I say after a trudge we finally have Kalyani, the caregiver of choice. More or less. The process was unusually long for many reasons. One. The less good experience my mum had with the first live-in caregiver. She worked on a trial basis for a week last October. Ironically, the caregiver didn’t have a gentle manner about her. In fact, on one occasion, she collected and sat my mum up rather roughly. Not speaking Tamil did not help either.  After the 5th night, I cancelled the service. Why? I learnt that because she did the night duty while my mum was asleep, she didn’t have to help and/or do any work during the day. And, she firmly didn’t. But, I still had to provide full board because she was a live-in. A furnished room plus breakfast, lunch and dinner for her while I did the day duty – which involved bath, toilet, and meals and medicines. 

Two.  I wasn’t ready in myself to let go or more to the point – sharing the caring with a non-family member. Naturally, I am more comfortable and assured when my siblings care for my mum. It took me awhile to accept that I needed help and/or someone who could relieve me a few nights and days so that I could have some normalcy. By that I mean, dinner with my husband without worrying about the clock or my carriage turning into a pumpkin. Or having my hair cut and coloured in relative peace. An activity that requires a few hours as my hair stylist is located outside of KL. Yes, I did try a hair salon near me. My hair is still wonky from that experience. 

Three. Sister number 3. She extended her stay 4 times and stayed for 4 months. We didn’t want or need a carer during that time but we didn’t abandon the idea. In fact, we interviewed three candidates for the post.  The first was a local. She was not keen to work from 4pm – 10pm. It was too late for her to go home to her husband and family. The second was a young nurse from Sri Lanka. She agreed to the hours. But, didn’t show up on the start date. Later we were told that she had returned home as her dad was taken ill. 

The third caregiver was yes, Kalyani. Also a Sri Lankan. She was quiet but quite enthusiastic. I remember she came to try out her prospective job in February, when sisters number 3 and 4 were still around. It was raining that day. She sat on the sofa not knowing what to do. We decided then that we would postpone her employment to after sister number 4 left in early April. To show good faith, we paid a deposit to retain her services.

In the interim, Kalyani returned home to visit her family in Sri Lanka. Unfortunately, 2 things happened. She fractured her ankle severely. There was a political crisis in her country. She finally returned to Malaysia in late June. It was also in June/July that sisters number 2 and 1 came home to care for our mum. In October, sister number 3 returned again for Deepavali.

After all of that, Kalyani eventually began work on 15 December, 2022. She is contracted to work 12 hours for 6 days/nights. That’s 72 hours per week or 288 hours per month. She does 3 nights from 6.30pm-7.30pm. And, 3 day shifts. On one of them, she starts at 4.30pm to 9.30pm. The other two from 10am to 9.30pm. My preference was for the day shift to end at 10pm but we learnt quickly that it wasn’t going to work. Why? Grab became less reliable when demand shot up after 10pm. After accepting the bookings, the driver/s simply cancelled them. On two occasions, she left at 10pm sharpish, and returned home at 11.30pm and 11.50pm respectively. We both lost sleep.

What to do? I got names of estate agents from my condominium management company to help Kalyani find a room to rent nearby so she could avoid or minimise the commute. Kalyani also searched via her own contacts. As a last resort, I gave her the option to sleep at my mum’s place until she found a suitable place. Luckily, we haven’t had to resort to that. Bringing forward her day shift to 9.30pm seemed to have solved the Grab problem, at least for now.

Has it been smooth sailing? We are in the learning, adjusting and accommodating phase. It’s still early days yet.