I had watched the movie, ‘A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood.’ The same week, my mum told me a story about her estrangement with her stepsister’s sister-in-law. It made me think about family and friends. People, who have fallen out, and have not spoken or visited for years. Deleted from each other’s lives. With no signs or efforts to reconcile or reunite. What happened? Who’s right? Who’s wrong? Who knows?

In the movie, Mathew Rys’ character, Llyod Vogel and his sister, are abandoned at a young age by their father. Many years later, the father wants to make amends and reunite. Llyod resists. The father then suffers a heart attack. Llyod still resists. But his meeting and growing friendship with Mister Rogers, a real life good person, played by Tom Hanks, encourages him to accept and forgive his father, faults and all. Llyod is himself a first-time father to a baby son.

My mum’s story, although less dramatic, was about two families, who severed ties over 50 sen. Back in 1948, my parents had just gotten married. My dad and his new, once or twice removed, brother-in-law (one of my mum’s stepsister’s brothers-in-law – try to keep up) visited my mum’s youngest sister at her school. I don’t know why although I did ask my mum. Whilst at the school, my dad gave 50 sen to his immediate sister-in-law, whom he knew and recognized. Giving money is an Indian/Asian practice. Akin to giving a gift that you didn’t but should have bought and/or forgot to bring along.

Back to the story. Also present at the school was my mum’s stepsister’s other brother-in-law’s daughter. My dad didn’t know nor recognize this girl (being the newbie to my mum’s enlarged family), and did not gift her with 50 sen. The fellow that tagged along did not introduce his niece to my dad. Duh… Once the news about the 50 sen reached home or went viral, the girl’s mum was furious with my dad and immediately cancelled a dinner party that was organised for the newlyweds (my mum and dad). A suit specially tailored for my dad, and saree for my mum, were withdrawn. There was a lot of name calling, all directed at my poor dad. Phew… what drama over 50 sen. A tad over the top? I thought so but who knows with people? These two families never spoke again. Apart from my mum and her youngest sister, the characters in this blow-out have all since died, including my dad. 

My husband told me a somewhat similar situation with his neighbours, who ceased communication with their daughter. The couple, he recalled, was kind and good to him when he was a youngster. Living next door, he was invited to play Scalextric racing cars and rode pillion on the couple’s son’s motorbike. Activities, he still remembers fondly. Apparently, the mum had a disagreement with her daughter, and the latter stopped visiting for a long time. Despite that the daughter’s adult children came around a few times, on their own accord, to meet with their grandparents. They, then stopped visiting completely. The daughter nor the grandchildren attended the mother/grandmother’s funeral. The couple’s son and his wife now live in that house. Coincidentally, he had a misunderstanding with some of his neighbors and do not speak nor acknowledge some of them anymore. He does, however, still speak to my husband.

My sister had a friend, whom she no longer keeps in contact with. I got to know this friend at my sister’s wedding. Over three decades ago. The two worked together for a good many years. The friend used to, sometimes, accompany my sister, her husband and my mum (when my mum visited my sister in England) on holidays. My mum’s foremost memory of this friend was how she used to head straight into the kitchen to prepare dinner when the four returned from their daily excursions. I remember her fondness for Snicker bars.

I come from a big family. My mum. My siblings – four sisters and two brothers. We each have some similar traits and attitudes – a bit of nature and nurture. We have our strengths and weaknesses. We have our favourites. We have our share of quarrels and misunderstandings. We also have little and big fall outs.

I am mulling this. Sometimes, its not only the cause of the rift, depth of the damage or size of the real or imagined hurt. Sometimes, it’s the people. The warring individuals and their personalities. They honestly feel and believe they are better off without that friend or they are happier without that sister, brother, mother or father in their lives. Sometimes, it is what it is. Sad… Maybe. Maybe not. Who knows?