I don’t have the answer or solution on how not to be sad. I’m sad. I know why. I just don’t know how to shake it off. I just thought of Taylor Swift’s song as I wrote that. And, her video. I smiled. I guess that’s one way of doing it. Shake it off. Switch it off.  A brief reprieve.

I’ve been sad for a while now. Since my mum became very unwell. She has heart failure and Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disorder (COPD). She has a palliative care team that evaluates her condition weekly.

My mum is all consuming to me. I find writing helps me deal with my sadness. At least a little. Putting my thoughts on screen/paper is like going on a journey with my mum – talking, thinking and remembering her life. Although still alert and chatty, I can’t do much with her now. Not even have lunch at her favourite vegetarian restaurant or go grocery shopping. My mum is physically unable, and totally uninterested. She relishes routine. Almost needs it. No upsetting the apple or durian cart. Any change or distress regresses her already deteriorating health.

Luckily, I have mental and virtual options that I can explore and immerse myself in. My mum will be 89-years old this September. By most accounts, she has had a pretty good life. I like to believe so particularly as she had a pretty tough start. Lost her dad at 5. Forced to give up school due to the Japanese occupation. Married at 15…

So, I drew up a ‘happy’ list to convince and comfort me (yes, me) that my mum genuinely has had, and still is having a happy and meaningful life. First. Caring children. I know all my siblings love our ‘Ama’. We show it differently but the affection and love are real and ever present. I love and care for my mum dearly and deeply. I miss her when I don’t speak to her or see her, every day. There’s an easiness between us. We get on well with each other. She is my BF. I’m not sure why. Maybe… because I never left home to study or work overseas. I’ve always been a permanent fixture in her life. The furthest I went was to study in Bangi, Selangor. About 360 km away from my home town in Alor Setar.  Even then, I hopped on the bus and returned home every fortnight for a visit.

I was sort of near/with my mum even when I wasn’t. During the belated gap year that my husband and I took to travel to some parts of the world, my mum came with us to sister number 4’s home in Sydney for the first leg of our trip. While we galavanted, she stayed with sister number 4 (who now lives in Brisbane) and sister number 2. Whilst there, and this is true, she fondly and regularly visited Coles Supermarket. Usually after midnight, to buy on-sale roast chicken, for her grandsons. We met up in Kuala Lumpur, collected my mum, and flew to England. She stayed with sister number 3 and sister number 1, while my husband and I did our second leg. At the end of 2012, we returned home together.

Second. Tenacity and freedom/independence. My mum married young. Children followed soon after. My dad was old school, and ruled the roost. Not much was open to discussion and negotiation. Before my dad, her mother, my grandmother, made decisions for her. Despite that, my younger mum was inherently strong and tenacious. She hand-stitched my sisters’ school uniforms. Saved her grocery allowance to pay for school fees. Set aside every cent to help her family.  My older mum, still tenacious, and despite her rather sheltered life, moved in solo into her own condominium after she turned 80. With a little help from sister number 4, she took to her bachelor pad like a duck to water. So comfortable in her own space, she didn’t want to leave it. Pre-Covid, the only time she would visit my husband and me on the 30^th floor was to watch the fireworks at KLCC. Hmm…

Third. Travel opportunity. My mum has happily ticked off her three must-see destinations. Venice – to experience the city surrounded by water. Japan – to see the cherry blossoms and Mt Fuji. And, Agra – to view the Taj Mahal and Red Fort. She also visited England and Australia many times. Travelled a fair bit in the two countries. And, had holidays in Scotland, North Island in New Zealand, France and Brussels.

My mum is not one to make demands and ask for things. If anything, it’s difficult to get her to say what she wants. Whether its food to eat, things to do or places to visit. I hope she’s had a pretty good run, and I pray it will continue to be good.