It’s June. Six months into 2020. I was flipping through my table-top calendar (yes, it’s not digital) to check what I had jotted down in January for the rest of the year. Stopped in March, which was my birthday month, not the whole month. Although I do try to stretch my birthday for as many days as I can. I like birthdays, mine and other people’s. Mine, more. I had written on my birth date – I, me, myself’s birthday. Not that I’ve ever needed a reminder. A fun inscription from me to me.

Looking at it now, it feels like it was all about me. Self-centred. Self-absorbed. Maybe, even, selfish. Well, in a sense it was. It was my birthday. That one day in 365 days when I can and should really do whatever I want. Go where I want. Speak to and see whom I want. Eat what I want. Or just be. Without feeling guilty. Without owing anyone an explanation. I was reminded of the song, ‘It’s my party, and I’ll cry if I want to…’ Many of my birthdays have come and gone. I haven’t. I didn’t. Maybe, I should.

I wondered aloud if it’s wrong to be self-centred, self-absorbed or selfish. My instinct was to chide myself. Simply because these 3S’s, as I understood them all this while, are negative traits. As one of seven siblings – sharing, helping, caring and contributing to Team Family was a tacit rule of growing up. A given. No room for self-absorption. As an adult and a much older one at that, I still remind myself to be kinder, more thoughtful, more generous and patient. Age has mellowed me a lot but sometimes the little demons get the better of me. Patience, particularly, is a work-in-progress for me. That said, I don’t think I am self-centred, self-absorbed or selfish. Maybe. Sometimes. When I am tired, irritable or under the weather. Well, that’s my excuse for bad behaviour.  

So how?

Hence, I was quite pleased to stumble upon this post entitled, ‘Why Being Self-Centered is Good’ by Stephen Shapiro[1]. It sort of enlightened me. I learnt that what I thought was bad may actually benefit me because I grew up accepting that self-centred meant, amongst others, being egocentric, self-seeking and self-obsessed. The post made sense to me.

Shapiro wrote, “Being self-centred is NOT the same as being selfish. Those who are self-centred are NOT narcissistic, hedonistic, or self-absorbed. Because self-centred individuals are more grounded, they are able to give even more to others. They have the potential to be even more generous and to make even greater contributions.” While I now see the difference, I’m not sure if I agree or accept the whole definition or explanation. Still, it certainly made me re-think and re-visit Google.

‘Centering is what you base your life on,’ he said.

For instance, some parents are children-centered. They live for their children, provide and do most things for them. There are couples, who are spouse-centered. One half of the couple takes care of the other, sometimes, too much. Some people are work-centered. Family and friends may take a back seat. They live to work, and may have nothing to fall back on when they retire. There are some, who are service-centred. Devoting their lives to charity and helping others. And, maybe, not spending enough time on themselves and their own needs.

Self centering is beneficial because throughout our lives, the only constant is oneself, i.e. ‘I, me and myself.’ I should self-center because I am the constant that will be around as long as I live. Particularly as things change and people evolve. Divorces happen. Children die or migrate. Jobs are not for life. Service to others may become difficult. Centering on someone or something else may be giving up control of one’s life.

Therefore, each of us should take care of number one first. Be centered. Be grounded. Take control of our own lives and don’t get derailed by circumstances around us. Shapiro is right. That’s precisely what flight attendants instruct passengers to do in an emergency situation. “… If you are seated next to someone who might need some assistance, you should put your own mask on first, and then breathe normally as you assist the other person.”

I get it. Being selfish is not good. Selfish people lack consideration for others, and are concerned chiefly with their own personal profit or pleasure. Being self-absorbed is also not good. Self-absorbed people are preoccupied with their own feelings, interests or situation. Being self-centered is good. It simply means. Take care of ‘I, me, myself’ first. Be in control. Then, help and/or take care of others, who want or need my help. Makes sense.