I can feel sad. Surprisingly, suddenly. Without warning. A song. A paragraph in a book. A poignant message on WhatsApp. A scene from a movie. Just a few triggers that make me feel melancholy for no apparent reason other than the trigger itself.

The change in emotion is quite dramatic. Thank goodness they are mostly fleeting. When I am home, I give my husband a hug and a kiss. His response is usually, “Thank you. That’s nice.” And, if I am with my mum, I give her a quick hug, from behind, because of physical distancing. With my mask on, naturally. I tell her I love her. She pats me on my arm and smiles. Sometimes she asks me what I had just said (she is hard of hearing). Her response is she loves me too. “Thank you. That’s nice,” I say to my mum.

It’s happening more often now. This transient sadness. I initially thought it was nostalgia. Maybe it was them old Tamil songs or family photos, which have a way of transporting me back to real or imagined happy times in my childhood.  Maybe it was me being older, which is factually correct, and more aware of my mortality, which is correct too. These two thoughts led me to wonder if it could be gratitude and fear. Maybe.

Gratitude to have my loved ones with me. In the present. And, close by. Despite whatever that is happening outside my home, within the country and the world over. I am fortunate to be living with them – in the present. I can see and be with them. I have access to them. Particularly, with the current all-pervasive coronavirus pandemic. In Malaysia, we are in the Recovery Movement Control Order (RMCO) phase. This means people can travel interstate. A relief for many, who have not been able to visit family, mainly aged parents and siblings, for months. International destinations are still out of bounds. No visits outside Malaysia and non-citizens are not allowed to enter the country. Not yet.

Fear. Of what? Loss. In my ‘A Question A Day 2020 – A planner of self-discovery,’ the question posed on March 6, 2020 was “What are you most afraid of?” My answers were, ‘Death of my loved ones and snakes and reptiles.’ Creepy crawlies aside, I think I sort of nailed my sadness conundrum. The loss of loved ones. Death. It is so final. No more seeing and being with the person you’ve loved and known all your life or at least what seems like a lifetime. No more chats. No more sharing secrets. No more those knowing looks. No more doing stuff together. No more. That’s it. I am not being morbid. Just realistic, and a little sad.

Covid-19 has certainly contributed to my heightened sense of the present, and real loss. The number of deaths, locally and globally, especially amongst the more vulnerable and elderly has not escaped me. And, the lonely final journey, suffered by many. Family and friends unable to be physically present – to see, speak and share moments together for the last time due to the fatal nature of the virus, and corresponding regulations preventing travel and large gatherings. Media coverage of the sad and tearful situations continue to remain etched in my mind.

I know I have no control or choice on death. Life, on the other hand, I have a few more choices. In the present, I can choose to be the person I want to be. I can choose to be kind, caring, loving, thoughtful, generous, and helpful to the living. My loved ones. I can do that. I want to do that. But, it’s not always easy. Why? Because it’s not just about dispensing platitudes. It’s about being there, and doing what’s necessary and difficult. Naturally, there will be moments of impatience and stress, and the need to vent. Naturally, there will be work to go to, personal stuff to finish, and family’s wants and needs to attend to. Naturally, there won’t be time or enough time to fit everything in one day?

To me, life has been, and will always be about balancing priorities. No different from my student days and working life. I didn’t always get it right then. Now, my to-do list focuses first on things that must be done for the people present in my life. My top priority. Once that is achieved, I juggle the other priorities that I lump under ‘Good to get out of the way, but can wait a little.’ I still don’t always get the balance right. But, it feels more ok.