I had tea with a school mate recently. I was looking forward to meeting up with her. Catch-up on our personal lives as I haven’t seen her since before March 2021. Discuss and debate the socio-economic and political situation of the country with a like-minded person. Do something fun and relaxing like have tea and a cake or two with a good friend.

It didn’t quite pan out that way. We had tea. We had cakes. The cakes, I had, mostly. She just wanted, needed to talk. To vent. To rant. We got a corner table. Sat down. Niceties out of the way. Floodgates opened. She was unstoppable. To be fair, a lot had happened to her. Unbelievable. Unexpected. Not at all nice things. Why and why were her questions as were mine.

I felt I had let her down as a friend because I had no answers. I’ve known her almost all my life, and her family for just as long. I couldn’t understand much of what had happened and is happening. The situation. The motives. The players involved and their actions. I had plenty of questions. More questions than even her, which annoyed her a little. Her stories so reminded me of the baddies in Tamil TV shows and movies that my mum usually watches. The family-kind that smiles and stabs you in the back, simultaneously.

Anyways, I wanted to help her or at least try to understand a little about family dynamics and sibling relationships. I did what I always do. I Googled. What I read was enlightening and yet not overly surprising.

My immediate takeaway is blood is thicker than water, yes, but it doesn’t guarantee that you will naturally get along merrily with your parents and siblings and/or that they will automatically be a positive and happy influence in your life.  

My second takeaway is family members can cause as much stress and havoc in your life as bosses, friends (ex-friends) and colleagues, but it’s whole lot harder to extricate yourself from family. They might be living with you in the same house. They are there at all family and extended family gatherings. Weddings, birthdays, anniversaries and other social events.

My third takeaway is that loving, caring, sharing and fairness are not givens in a family.

My fourth takeaway is to wake up from the naivety. Burst that idealism bubble and move on.

How? By learning to identify the toxic and the not so nice within the ranks.   

Manipulative behaviour. This is not easy to spot as it’s usually subtle and persuasive. Therapist Jill Whitney, L.M.F. T. says the kinds of positions your sibling puts you in, and how they make you feel are what you need to look for as evidence of toxicity. For example, ‘A toxic sibling might borrow money to resolve crisis after crisis and make you feel bad if you say no. It’s hard not to help, even when your gut is telling you that more help is really enabling[1]’.

My friend’s parents constantly help out by giving money to her unsuccessful musician brother, who actually is a qualified architect. He started a band because he said his employer could no appreciate his talent. Now, her mum and dad are thinking of bequeathing their home to him because, according to them, he needs it more than her. The sadder part of the situation is the brother became violent towards the parents and her to the point that she had to call in the police. Hmm…

Manipulators also voice assumptions about your intentions and then react to them as if they were true. In order to justify their feelings or actions, all the while denying what you are trying or actually saying in a conversation.

They lie. It comes naturally to them. They lie about everything. They also lie to bolster support. Even when confronted with the truth, they wriggle their way out leaving you wondering what just happened.

Never their fault. Not good siblings are also never wrong. They don’t own up to their mistakes. They are quick to deflect their bad behaviour and wrongdoings. Usually on the nearest available scapegoat. And, they actually believe nothing is their fault.  

No remorse. A no-good sibling never says sorry for what they did or said that hurt or embarrassed you. Family counsellor, Christene Lozano, L.M.F.T. says, ‘When your sibling doesn’t express remorse, it ties into the sign of blaming others,’ adding that they genuinely don’t feel “at fault,” and so ‘there is nothing to apologize for[2].’

They suck the life out of you. If being in the presence and/or talking to a particular sibling makes you stressed or depleted of energy, your good mood and confidence – then it’s time to avoid and/or exit from the relationship.

Easier said than done. Then again, hard decisions are never easy.