I never thought I’d have to resort to outside help for my mum. I prided myself on being able to care for her – when she needed it and for however long. Actually, that’s what sister number 4 and I had discussed on several occasions. We will take care of our mum, between us. Of course, Covid-19 put paid to that plan. No open borders. No sister number 4. Big sigh! 

In August 2021, my mum’s health took a turn for the worse, rather suddenly and quickly. Just over 10 weeks of sleepless nights and frayed nerves led my mum and me to experience our first live-in caregiver. That is, for a one-week trial period. The live-in decision, which has its share of pros and cons, was only made after considering and ruling out a nurse for my mum for a few nights each week. 

Two placement agency representatives informed me that they couldn’t guarantee that my mum would be cared for by the same nurse for the 3-4 nights that we wanted outside help. They explained that nurses were assigned based on availability and the agency’s rotation system. In my mind, a different nurse every night would not encourage consistency and familiarity. It also meant that each time a new nurse turned up for duty, she would have to be briefed on the specific ‘to-dos’ for my mum. This, in addition to keeping a logbook for the nurse or nurses to refer to, and for them to fill in their completed tasks. I was not happy with the working arrangement.

However, I was repeatedly told that nurses from placement agencies were well-trained and capable. And, they already knew how to care for the elderly like my mum. Maybe… I was still not convinced and very concerned. My experience when dealing with new staff/people, and I’ve had my fair share, is that they might know what the job entails but each job or project, and in this case, each patient – my mum – is unique. And, there is a learning curve, however brief or simple. I was also uneasy about responsibility and accountability. What happens if a mistake or an oversight occurs? An apology or a replacement nurse is not the answer. I am not interested in who’s fault it is especially after the fact. I am only interested in my mum’s well-being now.

MC, the live-in caregiver arrived on a Wednesday evening. Naturally, never having had an outsider living with us 24×7 required more than a few adjustments. It involved physically clearing out clothes and linen out of the drawers, and cleaning the guest room that my sisters usually stayed in when they visited. It also involved, at least for me, a mental and emotional acceptance of a non-family caregiver. It was not an easy decision because on some level, I felt like I had failed my mum. At the same time, I felt I had no choice. 

Anyways, MC has been a caregiver for 4 years in Malaysia. She is from the Philippines. Her profile was commendable. I found her to be knowledgeable, and with the relevant experience to care for the elderly, including those with dementia and Parkinson. All good. That said, I still prepared a one-page document detailing activities for each day. Under the headings of Daily (morning, afternoon, night), Medicines, Food, To-dos and Top Responsibility. While she knew about elderly care – she still needed to be aware of the details and nuances involved.

I listed the medicines, and when they should be dispensed. It wasn’t about precise times but about taking the correct ones before or after breakfast, lunch and dinner. My mum’s milk supplement – how many scoops of milk powder per 100ml of water. Food preferences. Personal hygiene including how my mum likes her shower. Little things that matter to my mum, which makes a huge difference to her comfort and happiness.

I also asked MC to shadow me for two days. To observe what and how I do things for my mum. Although MC’s responsibility was largely caring for my mum at night, I also did two nights with the caregiver to gauge as well as learn from her. No matter the experience, I think most people are not averse to a few instructions, a bit of time to learn and some reminders to help them deal with an unfamiliar and new situation. 

MC helped me understand more about professional caregiving – working hours, rest/standby hours, style of care, meal preparation, accommodation, and the all-important chemistry between the different parties. I also spoke with her about her life and family in the Philippines and her motivation. For me, a live-in or or stay-out caregiver is a workable option, particularly for the longer term. I don’t expect nor want perfection. Compassion and conscientiousness are what I’m looking for in a caregiver. The rest can be worked out.