I’ve lost my jolly, and I want it back.

I know the reasons for my general melancholy. It started with Covid and the restricted movement controls in 2020. Holidays became scarce. The rigmarole involved in organising any form of travel was a deterrent, as was the infectious disease itself. I remember the arduous loops my husband and sister number 3 jumped to get from Malaysia to England, and vice versa. My husband flew to England for his dad’s funeral in Sept 2021, while sister number 3 flew into KL for Deepavali, and to care for our mum in Nov 2021. I realise many people had it worse. Covid-related deaths, long-suffering effects of the virus and separation from family and friends for months and years. For me, it took the wind out of my sails.  

During the pandemic in 2021, my mum became ill. She needed 24×7 care and support. Not having looked after anyone before, particularly attending to every personal and medical needs was a challenge, to say the least. My husband and I chose not to have children. I am the youngest of seven siblings. My mum cared for me. I worked. I didn’t do caring, cooking, cleaning or much else. I liked/like my independence. I wanted the choice to get up and go, whereever and whenever.

I didn’t want children because I didn’t want the responsibilities, and the constant worry about their health, well-being, progress, school, friends and all the other things that come with having them. I know its hard work because children, especially when they are little, rely on you for everything, and you have to be there to care, protect and support them. That’s the deal. That’s what you sign up for as a parent. If you don’t/can’t do it, then don’t sign that deal. I didn’t. I have nieces, nephews and grandnieces and grandnephews. They are fun to be with. Then, they go home to their respective parents.

My mum… well…she was/is a lifestyle change for me and my husband; him by association with me. It wasn’t easy. Transitioning from off-site caring, that is, from stopping by 4-5 times in a day to check in on her, providing food and all other necessities to actually being physically present, on-site, 24×7. That’s a whole different ballgame. Seeing my mum so unwell, and not knowing, at least initially, how to address her problems, was not easy. Dealing with family members, and family dynamics was also not easy. All in all, it was pretty hard. And, it still is. Perceptions and realities. Kalyani is certainly a help to me. But, like I’ve written many times before, she works six, 12-hour days. My mum also needs to be looked after the balance hours in a seven-day week.

Yes, my life is restrictive and regimented. But I wouldn’t want to be anywhere other than with my mum. I want to be able to see her, speak to her and spend time with her, whenever I want to/choose to. My mum still has a lot of life in her. She is cheeky and good company, albeit a little deaf. I love her and I want access to her. I say this more so because recently a school mate of mine said she can’t visit her mum, who now lives with her brother and his family in Ipoh, which is about 200 km from KL, when she wants to. She had 15 minutes with her mum during her last trip all because her brother and family were going out for the day. This was despite calling/informing ahead. These things happen with siblings and families.

I’ve experienced it, and heard enough stories from friends about their siblings and families. People change. Children/siblings evolve into familiar yet unfamiliar, and unrelatable personalities. Their focus shifts to their own lives/families. Their values and feelings for their elderly parents also evolve. There was a recent Astro TV drama about a father, who was a well-known, corporate hotshot in his heyday. A few years into retirement, his only role/image was that of an elderly parent, living with one of his children. It was like he was always an old and needy person, with no life to speak of. No one remembered his achievements or that he was young once with an active/vibrant life. Sad but true.

Then, it was brother number 1. He was diagnosed with fourth stage lung cancer in Nov 2022. 2023 was a year of treatments and hospital visits, and stays. Although he seemed to be doing alright, the disease spread and got worse. Brother number 1 succumbed on Dec 5, 2023. It was/is so sad. 

I’m hoping that writing about my likely jolly stealers will steer me away or minimise thinking or revisiting the not-so-happy times/people/situations. And, hopefully it will help me get back my jolly.