I get it. Old is not cool. I was young once myself. I’m guilty of not giving much thought about older people. I didn’t know what they liked or needed. I can’t remember spending time with them. I didn’t have friends, who were older than me.

Old people in my life were my parents, my grandparents, a few aunts, and uncles. And, parents of my school friends and university mates. It wasn’t a conscious effort to avoid or not befriend older people. Our paths must have crossed but friendship didn’t happen. At school and at work, I hung out with people my own age or thereabouts. I just didn’t consider/factor in older people.

If you don’t die in an accident, from cancer or an evil deadly virus or worse yet, a random violence or war of not your making, the chances are you, me included, will live until we are much older. Ageing is almost a given these days. People live longer. Into their 60s, 70s and even late 90s. Not just in the western world but elsewhere as well. ‘By 2030, 1 in 6 people in the world will be aged 60 years or over. At this time the share of the population aged 60 years and over will increase from 1 billion in 2020 to 1.4 billion[1]. In Malaysia, women can expect to live to about 77 years while men to about 72. By 2030, Malaysia will transition into an ageing nation with some 15% its population expected to be aged 60 and above[2].

Being old or elderly in itself is not a bad thing. In fact, it’s quite nice as you can use the time on your hands to do the things you couldn’t do when you were at the various stages of your life. Like when you were starting out and had to do ‘stepping stone’ jobs to get ahead. When you were building a career and/or business, whilst bringing up a family. Usually with little money, no time and too many responsibilities.

Invariably, the retired, old and/or elderly stage comes around. Or as my friend called it the tail-end of life when whatever you do, you are at the tail-end of the end. Morbid, yes. Never mind. At least, you have no or fewer obligations and duties. Good, yes. Also, good if you are physically healthy, compos mentis, and financially independent. But even if you’ve ticked all or most of the boxes, it’s still not all good. 

Sometimes, old people are marginalised. They are made to feel irrelevant and unimportant, purposely or not. My mum used to say to me that sales people, the credit card and perfume peddlers, ignored her but spoke to me. This was during our weekly outings at shopping malls. I pacified her by saying that its their loss as she was the moneybags, not me. To the marketeers, my mum  was an ONID. Old. No income. Dependent. What could she possibly want with a credit card, much less use it to buy perfume. Or so was the thought process.

‘You have no effect on anything. The ship sets sail and everyone has a job, but you just sail along. I am cargo to them. That’s not easy. That’s not me. Humiliation is too strong a word, but it is bordering on it. I simply feel ignored, completely marginalised.[3]’ This was what a 92 old man told the European Understanding Tiredness of Life in Older People Research Network.

Sometimes, old people are viewed as unproductive. Particularly if they aren’t able to contribute and/or help their adult children and their families around the house but need help, support, and care themselves.

Sometimes, old people are undervalued. Personally, I think this is true. Old people, like my mum, are a treasure trove of information. What she knows and has experienced may not align with current times but her knowledge is still precious. For instance, when brother number 1 had jaundice, it was my mum and her cousin, Semboli, who identified and picked a particular herb found near drains that actually cured him. Sure, my mum doesn’t know IT-related stuff but she knew/knows enough to have brought up a family and navigated life.

Being with my mum has been/is a living and learning experience on ageing. I see the gradual change. I see the increasing difficulties. My mum is still a bright old girl. Mentally strong but let down by age, her ailments and physical weaknesses. She knows where she’s at in the circle of life. I love my mum. I understand why she wants to go to Tata’s house, and why she’s tired of life.

‘One of the distinctions in tiredness of life is that there is no desire for, or mourning of, a future; only a profound sense that the journey is over, yet drags on painfully and indefinitely[4].