A phone call from a friend, whom I hadn’t texted or spoken to in a very long time, made me wonder about conversations. She and I, two people speaking with each other; exchanging information and updates about each other’s lives. But, that wasn’t what occurred. After asking me how I was, obligatory niceties out of the way, she was telling me all about what was happening at work. In quite a bit of detail. I was thinking as she spoke, about the amount of information that was being unleashed. Maybe it was the enthusiasm to share. We used to be colleagues many years ago, and I know how things functioned and/or still didn’t in that organisation. Maybe, as she said so herself, it was nice to offload her feelings to someone whom she could speak freely to. Maybe, for her.

I considered that conversation and the many conversations I have had and continue to have with a wide variety of people. My anecdotal conclusion is people like to talk. About themselves – the things they have done, are doing and are going to do.  Fair conversation content. They might also include stuff they have seen and read particularly on social media, or have been shared by friends and family. Some just like to talk. They reel off random, irrelevant stuff. Relate old information as if it was breaking news. Speak about other people’s experiences like it was theirs, even cutting off those trying to recount actual, real life experience/s. And, repeat for good measure.

As for listening, few do. And, those who do, find it difficult to stay focused for long. Too many dings and rings from mobile devices. And other distractions, possibly going on in the head. As for asking questions. Some skillfully evade. Most are quick, polite and cursory. Almost in the hope that the answer will be short and sweet like ‘ok’. So that they can avoid listening to a long prattle. And, carry on with their own long prattle about numero uno. 

Quite honestly, I am ‘ok’ with people who like to talk rather than listen and ask questions.  Even when the focus is invariably about their work (their stresses and their responsibilities), family (what every child is doing), holiday plans (where they have been and/or were planning to go but are now scuppered by Covid-19), friends (where they usually meet for tea and dinner and now can’t), hobbies (jogging, yoga, photography – fitting them where possible) and shopping outings (people everywhere and the escalating costs of things).  I am still ok provided the unsolicited information is at least new and a tad bit interesting. Not the same old, same old regurgitated but embellished repeats. 

Pre-pandemic, when social meetings were the norm, I used to smile or nod politely, if it involved people I couldn’t ignore or shrug off.  Those I didn’t much care for, I quietly excused myself or zoned off. Rather than listen to another droning monologue, I retreated to my own happy place in my head.  What I continue to find quite remarkable is how some are clueless to the expressions (despite masks) and interjections from their audience. These talkers are very likely self-absorbed, insecure and/or devoid of social skills. Best to social and physical distance from them.

I didn’t know this. But according to one study, talking about oneself activates the same areas of the brain that light up when eating good food, taking drugs and even having sex. Simply put, self-disclosure is gratifying. It gives us a neurological buzz. Why, in a world full of ideas to discover, develop, and discuss, do people spend the majority of their time talking about themselves? The simple explanation: because it feels good[1]. 

I get it. People talk a lot about themselves because it makes them feel good. Self-disclosure is satisfying. That’s all very well for the speaker. But, how about the people who have to listen to them. Talking about oneself is acceptable to a point. Talking too much about oneself without coming up for air is not. It’s talking at. Not with. It’s monopolising a conversation.

Apparently, “The “right” 80–20 is listen 80 percent of a conversation, talk about your own stuff 20 percent. The wrong 80–20 would flip that — and in the process be the definition of conversational narcissism. Which Sociologist Charles Derber described as the often subtle and unconscious, desire to take over a conversation, to do most of the talking, and to turn the focus of the exchange to yourself.[2]”

Fodder for thought when I next open my mouth to speak …