Disillusioned yet happy and hopeful
England has always been and still is a special place/destination for me. Weirdly, when I was growing up in Alor Setar, I used to either dream or imagine about sycamore trees in England. Yes, weird. Why? Because I didn’t know what a sycamore tree was or looked like. And, I didn’t know what England was […]
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My mum was 28 years old when she had me. A generation apart, based roughly on a 20-year time interval. She and I were from different generations, and we were different. But not so dissimilar that we didn’t see eye to eye and/or were embroiled in constant arguments. No, not at all. She was […]
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I fell off while standing on the ledge of a drain. This happened a couple of weeks ago near Corus Hotel. It was raining. I had already climbed over the drain and was on the ledge when I noticed a puddle of water where my foot/feet would invariably land, if I walked on. As I […]
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Today is three months since my mum passed. I miss her. The previous Sunday, my husband and I went to see my mum at her final resting place, with her new headstone. It was erected on the Wednesday before. That was her wish/decision. To be buried. To have the customary final rites performed for her. […]
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It looked like a ghost town. Dark. Doors shuttered. Quiet. There was barely anyone around. My husband and I walked around and looked for places that were open. It was, after all, 7.30pm on a Saturday. Time for dinner, yes. We found three outlets that were operating. Number one served food, and the club’s band […]
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I met up with two of my university mates recently. It was my first social meet up since my mum passed. I have consciously avoided speaking, seeing, or spending time with anyone outside my family. The last gathering that involved family members was about nine weeks ago just before sister number 3 left for England. […]
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I’m thinking. I’m questioning. I am consumed with thoughts, and questions. My headspace is full. I can’t sleep or stay asleep for too long. I have stare-into-space-moments. But I still get on and do most of the chores that need doing. I’m alright. I’m more alright than not, which is good. In fact, my husband […]
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I wasn’t sure when my husband first asked me if writing about my mum helped/helps me. I am a little surer now. It does. I’m constantly thinking and remembering things about my mum. Putting my all-consuming thoughts, feelings and memories in writing gives them structure and a home/blog that I can visit and revisit, when […]
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My husband asked me if it helps me writing about my mum. Yes and no. Maybe. I don’t know. It’s been over five weeks since she left. Yes, that long already. It feels a lot longer to me. I’m ok and I’m not. I’m in a state of flux. I go about doing the daily stuff. […]
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I asked my mum to wait for me. I touched her feet, something I rarely do, and said goodbye. I stepped out of the front door, and waved at her. She smiled, waved, and looked directly at me. She doesn’t do that when her Tamil serials are on. Her focus is usually the telly, and […]
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