Who cares? So how, indeed?

Sister number 3 and I discussed caregiving for our mum at length. Middle August will mark the second year since the old girl became totally reliant on her children. Painful, difficult and enlightening was the conversation. We were, after all, talking about our mum. 

Who? How long for? How/whom? Where?

Who? Sister number 3 will stay and care for our mum until she leaves on July 4, after over four weeks in Malaysia. Her visit has enabled me to spend time with her, have a break from daily mum duties, and fit in a holiday with my husband and my mother-in-law, in England.                                                   

I takeover after sister number 3 flies home.  With the current arrangement. Kalyani will continue to do six days/nights of 12 hours each per week. And, brother number 2, from Saturday 10am to Sunday 1pm, each week. Me, the balance. Is it ideal? No. But, its making the best of what’s available for our mum, my husband and me. Kalyani will be away in August. She’s returning to Sri  Lanka for her daughter’s wedding, and to meet her first grandchild, who was born in April. Will it be hard? Of course it will. But it is what it is. August too will pass.

How long for? Five years. Our mum’s initial health scare back in 2021, then gradual recovery, albeit unpredictable and erratic, now demands a longer care plan. Some considerations in the care plan were: 1. Live-in or not. 2. On-site at the condo or residential care. 3. Cost. 

To be totally honest, our mum has yet to overcome the trauma of the live-in caregiver, we had for a week, pre-Kalyani. Rules of home care service companies dictate that live-in caregivers must be provided with accommodation/room, three meals and 8-10 hours of rest/recovery time. Also, the caregiver doesn’t need to help or do anything outside her job description, which is mainly dispensing medicines and toileting care. This is true. During a thunderstorm, the live-in caregiver retrieved her clothes, and left our mum’s on the line for me to collect.  She had helped herself to the hangers, detergent and washing machine in the condo. That said, a live-in arrangement hasn’t been ruled out completely. Our mum’s future health status will determine that decision. Managing a live-in will be a challenge.

Experience has thought me that the two important qualities of a caregiver are compassion and flexibility. It also helps to have a  caregiver who speaks Tamil. Listens, learns and does her tasks efficiently. Buys ‘Omum’ water that our mum drinks copiously. Helps with the laundry. Does the evening prayers when I’m out with my husband. Is a willing TV-buddy, watching and discussing plots and motives of the actors in the Tamil serials that our mum watches. And, has an easy going personality.

I’m mindful that caregiving is a job like any other. A pay check to cover bills or much needed cash to send home to either the Philippines and/or Sri Lanka. I don’t expect caregivers to care like family can and do. For now though, Kalyani is a good match for our mum and me. 

No residential home. No nursing home. Not for our mum. I appreciate contemplating residential/nursing homes for the elderly and unwell. Or even reserving assisted living residences as we, I, age and need support. It’s probably more acceptable in western culture, and will probably be more acceptable in Asian culture with the already growing older population, and evolving family relationships and priorities. The thought of placing our mum in a residential home kills me. I can’t do it. I won’t do it. Our mum will continue to live in her own condo, in an environment she’s familiar with. And, facilities that will keep her comfortable and safe for as long as she needs it.

Cost. Kalyani’s monthly bill is RM5,200. It sounds high until the hourly rates are calculated, which is RM18.05 per hour for four weeks or 288 hrs. To reiterate, Kalyani is tried and tested. There might be cheaper caregivers. The question is personality and fit. Thankfully, the bill is shared amongst my four older sisters and me. From this year on, my sisters, bar sister number 3, will not be returning home to visit/care as they did in 2022. I understand they are getting on in age and have family-related responsibilities/obligations. However, it would still be nice for all to spend some time with our mum. With me and Kalyani there to help.

The discussion with sister number 3 was not easy. Not being present minus the daily interactions with our mum influences/changes perceptions and perspectives. All said, our mum is fortunate to have children who love, care and provide financial support that ensure she is cared for in the longer term.