A former colleague and I inadvertently stumbled upon a discussion about women and men. There was no light bulb moment. We had no clever answers to explain the perennial gender differences. But, he did share an interesting viewpoint about the women-men dynamics, particularly in the personal and domestic spheres.

According to him, women expect too much from their menfolk – husbands, fathers, brothers and other male relatives. Women possess high standards that they want their men to surpass or at least meet. Examples in the personal and domestic areas included remembering and celebrating special occasions, visiting parents regularly, grocery shopping, taking care of children and ensuring things worked in and around the house.

Men shared personal and domestic responsibilities and duties but felt like they fell short because of the exacting standards women set. Apparently, women have their own Standard Operating Procedures (SOPs) for most things. He explained that men were willing to help when asked or when needed. They preferred not to volunteer as they didn’t want to interfere. They will be present at a crisis. They rather not spend too much time with extended family. Men also preferred to agree than argue with their partners and siblings; shying away from confrontation.

He said expectations plus demands from work or running a business, and finding me-time for hobbies, sports, friends, social media and TV made life a tough balancing act. The everyday clamour for attention, recall and action in one’s headspace was just too overwhelming.

So, what did men do? According to him, they prioritised. Men made choices. From a rational and theoretical standpoint it made sense. We can’t do everything. We can’t be everywhere. We can’t be everything to everybody. So, men chose what was important to them. Hmm…

I was bemused by these revelations. I am not sure if this is how all men feel but it’s how he and his male friends feel. I know a number of these men as we worked together many years ago. And, a few of my own – husband, brothers, nephews, brothers-in-law and father-in-law.  My initial reaction was so it is women’s fault that men feel they have to live up to expectations, real or perceived. How predictable of men to lay the blame on women for their own assumed shortcomings.  And then, I asked? Do women actually expect too much from men? Do we expect from men what we don’t ourselves deliver? Shouldn’t women have expectations from the men in their lives? Do men feel pressured by women? Do women feel pressured by men? Do men and women walk around on eggshells in the other’s company? What about men? What do they expect and want from women?

To be fair, like men, I too prioritise and make choices.  But more often than not I do the things I do because I want to. Yes, sometimes, it may be an inconvenience and I might put myself out. But I don’t do it every single day out of the 365 days in a year. I want to be present whenever and not only when it’s necessary.  I want to help and volunteer, without being asked. Not do things only when I am told and instructed. I want to love and make a fuss over the people I care for, which I think is a genuinely nice thing to do.

Of course, there are many books and findings that support gender differences. And, gender jokes that further magnify the dissimilarities between the sexes. Sure, women and men view, approach and do things a little differently, but not always – whether in the personal, domestic or work environments. Compromises can be achieved. After all, both women and men want to have a happy life together. We want our families to be happy, healthy, successful and safe. Women and men want the same things. We go about it a little differently. Hmm…